Rent-an-index

A poem for performance fees. Tribute to the late Robin Angus, the bard of Charlotte Square

I am the very model of a trust performance measurer,
I’II dazzle your directors and I’ll titillate your treasurer,
The figures that you show me in a manner sad and dutiful
I’ll polish by comparison to make them bright and beautiful.
Your equities will outperform and so will your debenture stocks,
If measured in the way in which I tell you to present your stocks:
Your assets may have tumbled, but no assets ever fell enough
To trail behind the index – if you choose your index well enough.

I recommend my methods with a zeal that’s indiscriminate
Whenever you’ve an awful year you’re trying to eliminate,
Your faulty stock selection may have set your assets slithering,
You’ve failed to beat the All-Share, and in consequence you’re dithering.
Your discount’s leaping higher, and investors they are clamouring
To unitise the trust in which they’ve taken such a hammering,
A bid is in the offing, which could make a jobless gent of you ­–
A nasty-looking predator has twenty-nine per cent of you.

Forget those horrid nightmares! I shall certainly be sicker than
A parrot, if I cannot find a stock you’ve risen quicker than:
I’ve indices galore, and you can see the choice proliferate
By changing round the currencies (for that I charge a stiffer rate).
The simplest-seeming markets can be shown in really dotty terms ­–
Imagine, say, the Nikkei Dow expressed in Polish zloty terms,
And Jacobson & Ponsbach (that’s in Sweden) would be wholly a
Departure from the obvious in Tugrik (that’s Mongolia).

There’s outperformance waiting: I’ll make sure you get your share of it,
For you’ve been outperforming too, although you’re unaware of it.
The Goddess Truth she need not blush (I haven’t quite forgotten her),
Your figures may be rotten, but I’ll find an index rottener.
Your dreadful US holdings may have driven you to mania –
I’m sure they’ve outperformed the Tramways Index in Albania.
So don’t forget this wise advice – for trust men always treasure it –
It isn’t what you measure, but the way in which you measure it!